Weather Event

For days we've been hearing about some serious storms that are supposed to hit this afternoon. I think this one's for real. The system is thicker than the state of Mississippi. The thing is I've seen countless storms that are supposed to be severe just fizzle as they approach where I live. I've heard that the terrain west of us helps to break up storms. Not long ago I was talking to someone about it, and he told me that the Interstate system does the same thing, and it actually creates a microclimate. That's pretty wild, but who am I to say it isn't true? The dude seemed pretty smart. I'd like to check into that theory more. But if you asked my mom, she'd probably say it was Jesus. Whenever a big storm is rolling in, she prays it will dissipate. Maybe Jesus puts up a big wedge. Whatever it is, it's been happening for years, and I really want to study on it. I love a good storm and I hate seeing them disappear right before they get here. I think this one will hit big. Maybe it's too big even for Jesus. Batten down the hatches mom. We got a frog strangler comin' in.

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Sally's boss started texting all the employees of her restaurant this morning to try to get a shift covered. It began really early and I'd only been asleep for about four hours. Sally got a new phone yesterday evening and hadn't yet changed any of the notice settings, so it played this odd piano riff whenever she got a text. The way it's set up, whenever someone replies, everyone in the loop gets the text, so I kept hearing this melody. At first it was in my dreams as my mind tried to make sense of it. I was in that state between asleep and awake, and I was thinking stuff like "Is it the popsicle man? Did some kid get a new piano and only knows one lick?" Finally I woke up and realized it was her new phone. Not wishing to wake her up, I listened to it about 25 times. Finally she woke up and I said "Make it stop." She laughed and changed settings. She started imitating all the employees texting in their excuses: "I have a doctor's appointment." "I'm sick." "I have to take my mom to the airport" and on and on. She decided she'd send in a text saying "Sorry, but I have to masturbate and take my cat to the groomer's." That's hilarious and I begged her to do it, but the way her phone is set up at the moment everybody in her contacts, from her doctor to her mom, would get it. I still think it would have been funny regardless. I didn't get enough sleep, but at least I got a good laugh.

Twisted Humor

Back when I worked in the crazy restaurant where I spent a third of my life, one night this thing came on TV about a guy who was busted for having sex with young farm animals. I had a burst of twisted inspiration and I made up a little tune on the spot. I taught it to my buddy ET and from there it quickly spread. We were all cracking up and some of the customers picked up on it. Pretty soon the entire place was humming to the strains of a new song called "Calf Snatch Fever." I think Ted would have been proud.

Stolen from Zappa

I was watching the new episode of Psych, and Main Dude mentioned "Chubby Pumpaloaf" as a porn name. Imagine my surprise hearing "pumpaloaf" on TV. Well guess what? That was stolen directly from one of my favorite songs of all time, "Broken Hearts are for Assholes" by Frank Zappa. It talks about Sir Richard Pumpaloaf, who is a demented bread-boffer. I think that's just wonderful. I wonder who the Zappa fan on the show is. Great to see Frank's influence still going strong. Here's the tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYQs2rRnJYY

Quote of the Day

"Dynamics is what separates the men from the boys." - me

Jukebox in My Head (selection P-93)

"Tank" by Emerson Lake & Palmer. First, what a great song title. Sounds like somebody's dog. Second, considering how popular this song became and what a vehicle it became for Carl Palmer to display his drumming skills (he still uses it at clinics) over the years, it was basically "filler," a last-minute addition to their brilliant first album to give them enough material to fill up the record. Keith Emerson wrote the song but generously gave writing credit to Carl, which certainly didn't hurt the drummer's bottom line. Greg Lake, as usual, plays a beautiful bass part, and his intro is one of my favorite bass melodies of all time. It plays on my imaginary jukebox all the time, as does the drum rhythm. For those keeping score, it's in 4/4, but it breaks down into 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2; 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2. This song features a drum solo, and as per Carl's usual solos it's massive. It's heavy and powerful, but he plays a lot of Jazz figures that would make Buddy Rich proud. In fact he and Buddy were good friends, and Carl was one of the only, if not THE only Rock drummer to sit in with Buddy's band while Buddy was alive. Carl plays beautiful snare drum rolls, superhuman bass drum notes and melodies on cymbal bells among other things. There's only one Carl Palmer. Enjoy. Studio version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueGcV255NfM "Tank" solo from 1077 (check it out): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrfqVAaR2YQ

Still More Idiot Warnings

After the guy burned his balls on a cup of McDonald's coffee (did he think he'd ordered iced latte?) and a couple other things, we're now subject to "idiot warnings" on just about everything. A recent car commercial shows a car hurtling off a cliff, and at the bottom of the screen it says "Do not attempt." Really? Usually idiot warnings crack me up, but one on the Georgia Keno lottery is a bit odd. It says "Gamble responsibly." What the fuck would "responsible gambling" be? Please make sure to save a third of your paycheck for food and stuff? That's like saying "Use heroin responsibly." Give me a break.

Hammerin'

Today marks the anniversary of Henry Aaron hitting 715 home runs and breaking Babe Ruth's record. It happened in 1974 and I watched it on TV. I also saw him hit one at a game. To me he will always be the true home run king, and Barry can suck it. Thanks Mr. Aaron.

Jukebox in My Head (selection M-80)

"Amos Moses" by Jerry Reed. Some early Funk for you to enjoy. Enjoy. Studio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLDtNsIKOhs

My Version is Better

Once upon a time there was a singer named Nancy Sinatra. She was the daughter of another singer named Frank. She had a huge hit with a song called "These Boots were Made for Walkin'" in the 60s. It's a great song, but I only catch it every few years when somebody has a classic station on. The way I sing it is "These boots were made for knockin' (and that's just what they'll do)." Next time the song comes on, sing it my way. It's much better. You'll get a chuckle. Studio version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRkovnss7sg

Stars Fell on Alabama

I finally saw a shooting star last night. I mentioned I haven't seen one all year and I've been looking for one every night. I look at the sky a lot anyway, but Sally and I walk our dogs at least once every night so lately I spend extra time looking up. It really was odd. Usually I've seen a handful by now just casually looking at the sky occasionally. I was almost beginning to think that maybe there was some sort of force field around the Earth that I hadn't heard about. I just wasn't catching them, and it was good to see one again. I've run into people who've never seen one and I tell them if they look skyward long enough on any given night they'll see one. So last night I decided I'd stay outside until I saw one. It was a great night for sky watching; it was perfectly clear with no Moon. I must have been outside nearly 15 minutes. Sally finally came out to check on me. She saw me looking up and knew what I was doing. She decided to stay out with me, and a couple of minutes later one flashed by. It was just over the top of a big hedge, and Sally isn't tall enough so she missed it. It was just a little white one and it lasted less than a second, but it was a welcome sight. It shot just after we'd both said I love you, and that was pretty cool. I know the Universe isn't a giant Magic 8-Ball, but I don't see a problem with taking that as a good sign. In any case it was reassuring to finally see one in 2013. The Cosmic Balance has been restored. Cheers

Got Hash? (Dreams?)

Last night my bro-in-law and I went to a concert. We had third-row seats. It was packed, so when it ended we stayed a bit to let the crowd thin out. I was thinking how nice it would be to get stoned, since you can't smoke anything at most venues nowadays. My bro-in-law must have read my mind because he said "How would a big chunk of hash be right now?" Wow...hashish...haven't seen much of the real thing lately. Just then the next guy over goes "Looking for some hash?" BiL says "No, but that guy might" and nodded my way. The guy turns to me and says "I have 20 kilos in storage. How many you want?" Knowing I couldn't afford a key of hash I didn't think we'd be doing any business, but I thought it was funny that when my BiN mentioned hash, here's a guy with over 40lbs. You don't see that happen every day. I figured I'd put it in my blog and title it "Got Hash?" Ha ha. Just then I woke up and realized it was only a dream. It's just as well, since I didn't happen to have a couple thou in my pocket and couldn't get any anyway. I got a chuckle out of it, so I'm still putting it in my blog. Mmmmm...hashish. Wish I had some.

First Lightning Bug

I just saw the first lightning bug (or firefly if you prefer) a few minutes ago. That means it's about to be Spring. I thought at first it was a shooting star, which I haven't seen a single one of this year, which is odd since I spend so much time looking at the sky, but that's another story. I like to keep track of these things.

Quote of the Day

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - traditional

Great LP Covers

This is one of my favorite LP jackets of all time. The band was called Illusion, and they were short-lived, recording only one other LP. They hailed from England and were pretty much a Jazz/Rock/Fusion deal. They must have had a nice budget to do such a cool cover on their first LP. This jacket wouldn't happen today; nobody would want to pay for it, and it wouldn't be very impressive on a little CD cover. I'm almost certain it was done by a company called Hipgnosis. It won several awards, including "Best album cover" by at least one poll. It came out in the early-mid-70s, so it was obviously pre-computer. This jacket was done in real-time, as it were. Analog. If I remember correctly, there was a thin pipe in the middle between the earpieces, and it was coated in acrylic or such to look like water, and water was pumped through it and made to splash in the earcups. I think that's how it went down. However they did it it's very impressive. The music's pretty good too.

Jukebox in My Head (selection B-94)

"Hey Now" by Talking Heads. This fantastic song is from the movie "True Stories." This should be in everyone's collection, as should be the record by the same name. Enjoy. Studio version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XG9qDl0EEtI

Great Song Modulations

"California Girls" by the Beach Boys. No need to discuss the merits of this tune - it's been covered about five billion times. On the last refrain when they go "I wish they all could be California girls" when they say "girls" the chord modulates up to a beautiful and unexpected chord. I don't know what chord it is or what the interval is without sitting at a keyboard, so you'll just have to listen. It almost has a suspended and major feel at the same time. Nice.

Question of the Day

"Well, how much did 'dey wave?" - Bald-headed John, king of the plookers

Dog-Walk Humor

Sally and I were just walking our dogs Chipper and Bert. Bert, who's still a puppy, had his head down a hole, and he seemed very interested. Sally looks over and goes "Hey, Bert! Get your face out of that hole before something pops up and bites you on the nose and it costs us $300!" That's funny, but can dogs understand complete sentences?

Tips for Stoners

Never buy a copy of High Times when you're out of weed.

Weird Instruments

These odd instruments are called Boat Bells. They're made of iron I think, and are welded to a bar with a loop, for hanging on your boat I guess. There are crude lines of paint, as if he handed them to his kids after they cooled down. They were made by one Joe "Papo" Daddiego, under the name of Jopa. To me they look like a pair of sea slugs. With such irregular edges and turned-in sides, I'd think these would sound a bit dull, with short sustain, but the opposite is true. They have a nice, mellow BONG sound and they ring for a full minute or more. They're sort of a suspended/minor-ish third apart. I know these are rare because this is the only set I've ever seen. I got them on eBay years ago. I met a percussionist online who studied with Papo and had a pair of these, and they were stolen along with bits of his gear after a gig, and he told me he cried when he realized they were gone, and I can understand. They're that cool, and they can't be replaced, as Papo is sadly no longer with us. Jopa instruments were made mainly during the 70s, and not many people remember them, or know how great they sound. Basically they're too rare to be collectible. That's okay. They're beautiful and unique and I'm lucky to own them.

The Oldest Joke in the Book

Whenever somebody says the word "liquor," you say "Liquor?!? I hardly know her!" Works every time. 

Co-Photo of the Day

The Jazz Bobblehead Buddha at rest

Great Song Hooks

The "hook" of a song is a bit like a punchline if you will; the part of the song that people remember. It's a short, catchy phrase and it can be a vocal thing or a melody, or even a sound effect on occasion. In this case it's an onomatopoeia, and you don't get to type that word very often. For catchy hooks in a Pop song it's hard to beat the "Beep-beep, beep-beep YEAH" part on the Beatles tune "Drive My Car." Bet it's in your head right now. You're welcome. Bonus points for cowbell on the quarter notes. Here it is on Youtube (no link): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7dkn1ZnIPk

Photo of the Day

The Jazz Bobblehead Buddha

Firsts

The first CD released in the US was "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen. That's appropriate. 

Question of the Day

"What is that clickety-clickety noise?" - a concerned citizen

Poem of the Day

"Ketchup's funny in a bottle

Shake and shake and nothing comes...

And then a lot'll"

-the great-grandparents and them

Song of the Day

"One in a Million" by Giles, Giles and Fripp. If you listen to any of the songs on "The Cheerful Insanity of Giles, Giles & Fripp," you'll be amazed that the very next record these fellows put out was the monstrous "In the Court of the Crimson King," but that's what happened. Droll, dry, dorky or whatever, this is some crazy stuff. The first line goes: "He runs a little shop with a room at the top and a mortgage all around it. His little lady will be 53 on Monday and his only son's in the Navy. But he doesn't shout about it, no he doesn't shout about it...he's one in a million." You don't see lyrics like that everyday. It's genius. The record is mostly funny and upbeat and wacky, and most of the tunes would probably fall into the category of "novelty" songs. Despite the goofy lyrics the playing is nothing short of stellar, and this is well worth having if you're the slightest bit into King Crimson, and even if you're not. This stuff is in a category by itself. Great playing, tons of fun and yes, insanity. Highly recommended. Cheers. 

 studio version (sorry, no link function): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsR1h1w-N1g

Relationship Problems

Like any couple involved in a long-term relationship, Sally and I have had our share of ups and downs. According to her, right now our biggest problem is that I linger too long with my hand in the popcorn bag (not a metaphor). I didn't realize it was an issue until night before last. I got two bags of the above corn (on sale and still $4 a pop) and I opened a bag. Sally strolled up a minute or two later and stood next to me. She sat down by me and didn't say anything. I didn't know she wanted some popcorn; I thought she just wanted to be close to me...she does that sometimes. I was fooling around in the bag when I noticed her eyeing it. Next thing I know she goes "Oh, snap!" or something like that and plunges her hand into the bag before I can get mine out and we're both in there grabbing for popcorn. "Dang" I thought. Twice she stuck her hand into the bag before I'd removed mine, and twice popcorn kernels went flying. It was savage. Still she didn't say a word and I thought she was playing, but last night I opened the second bag and it happened again. She finally broke down and said "You know...you keep your hand in the popcorn bag WAY too long." That's hilarious. I didn't realize. She was very polite about it. I guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I wasn't sure if it was a case of impatience or the fact that she just really dug the popcorn or both, but I apologized sincerely and promised to try and speed the next handful along. 

I don't know why I dawdle in the popcorn bag. Maybe it's from too much time spent eating popcorn alone, or maybe somehow reaching into a bag of popcorn makes me think about things, like a Zen deal. I do seem to space out a bit as I'm fumbling around in there. I think it's because I'm trying to get the perfect handful so I can get as much as possible into my mouth in one scoop without getting too much. I try to make my fingers the same size as my mouth, just like a cat uses his whiskers to measure a hole to see if the rest of him can fit through. I do know that every third handful or so I take a second or two to select two nice round kernels to feed the Beagles, since they go berserk for the stuff, and that takes time. Even with careful self-analysis I'm not totally sure what causes this problem, but it's not making Sally very happy, and I'm worried that one of us is going to injure our popcorn hand. I'm going to have to work on it. I know I can fix this. I'm very committed to our relationship.

Photo of the Day

My better half Sally has taken some really interesting photos and this is one of my favorites. It almost looks fake, like there's a backdrop behind some holly bushes, but it's a real photo. The shadows are being cast on low clouds, which is impressive but not all that unusual really. That's how they got the Bat Signal to work. Great photo.

Quote of the Day

"I'm Laura Pruden, and this is my last bill before switching to Vonage." - Laura Pruden

Z Z Top Irony

Z Z Top's drummer is named Frank Beard, and he's the only member of the band who doesn't have a beard. 

Best Thing on TV

The best show going on TV right now (unless they've cancelled it) hands down is My Name is Earl. Just watch one.

ATM Humor

Sally and I drove through an ATM earlier this evening. "Have you ever noticed the Braille on the ATM keys?" she asked. "Uh-huh" I replied. "What are blind people doing driving through an ATM?" she inquired. Good question. 

Photo of the Day

"Lava Flower"

Chinese Cow

My dog Bert has been staying at the Sally Cox School of Beagle Obedience. She has a Beagle named Chipper, who happens to be a good friend of mine, and she's helping to train (actually doing most of the work herself) Bert to be a proper dog like Chipper. I brought over a bunch of Bert's toys and Sally brought out a bunch of Chipper's old toys, and the two dogs had a bit of a toy swap. Chipper ended up with a new bone and Bert selected this cow. It's made in China of course. To save on costs the Chinese company decided to give him only two legs. I wonder if they passed the savings on to the consumer. I guess the Chinese figure that the dog won't care, and neither will the Americans as long as they look at it from the side, but it's a bit of an insult to cows everywhere. It won't stand up for shit, and it's totally meant to be viewed in profile, lying on the floor. It's true...Bert doesn't care one way or another, and I don't think Chipper had a problem with it either, but it's lame. Crazy Chinese. 

Best Term for 'Having Sex' I've ever Heard

"Mr. One-eye visits the optometrist" (courtesy of Keith Emerson)

Greatest Rhymes in Music

"Pablo Picasso" by David Bowie. I love to see how people use rhyme in songs. Sometimes it's easy - "I love you baby and I don't mean maybe" or whatever, but sometimes it's tricky, and I love to see how musicians get around the problem. Occasionally they'll just give up and say the same word twice; basically rhyming a word with itself. I love that. But sometimes great and unexpected rhymes come up, and this is one of my favorites of all time. It's from the song "Pablo Picasso" from the "Reality" CD. Bowie manages to rhyme "asshole" with "Picasso," and that's inspired. Plus "asshole" is a great word anyway. The song says:

                   Well some people try to pick up girls
  They get called assholes

                      This never happened to Pablo Picasso

Amazing. Just amazing. Fantastic song too. Studio version (no link function):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8xWOK9K0_I

If Life Gives You Lemons...

...sell those suckers. Forget lemonade. Priced any lemons lately? Seems like not long ago they were three for a buck and now it's pushing two. Leave the lemonade stands to the kids. Just a thought. 

Drum Dog Update

After I played a few songs I ate a bit and took the dog out and he came back in and tore around the house as fast as he could. I figured maybe he'd crash and I'd play more drums. He ran around for a song or two but then I didn't see him so after a few minutes I looked around to see what he was into and there he was crashed out right beneath me while I was playing. I wonder how many drummers can play drums with their dog by their drums. Certainly not many guys with regular acoustic kits, unless the dog is about 16 years old and deaf. It's pretty cool to have a dog under you while you play drums. Not only is it good luck, but while I hear the drums normally with headphones, they aren't loud enough to even bother a dog. Not bad. 

You Know You're a Halfway Decent Drummer when...

...you can play the first three songs to the excellent "Reality" CD by David Bowie without missing a single beat and only having to stop twice, while trying to keep in line a ten-week-old Beagle puppy who's just gotten up after a five-hour nap and is running all around the drum kit, trying to bite the cords and at one point even standing on my foot as I was playing the bass drum. It's the first time I've played drums since I got him and he didn't know quite what to think, but he minded me about 50-50. The drumming is pretty simple on those songs but it isn't east to point one stick at him and say "NO" while keeping on playing and not mess up, and I was strangely locked-in for being so distracted by this crazy puppy running around the drum kit. I'd have been glad to record the drums I played it was so accurate, and I think even Bowie himself would appreciate it. No kidding. Maybe I should start playing drums with little puppies going berserk, because I haven't played that smoothly in a good while. Go figure. 

Puppy Breath

Puppy breath is amazing. To me it beats new-car smell and even a new vinyl LP. I've been trying for several days to identify the different aromas, but it's hard to compare it to anything it's so unique. If I were to describe it as a wine, I'd say that the principal note is burnt coffee, followed by leather and hints of hay and mowed grass. There's a touch of peanut butter made with Valencia peanuts. Sounds crazy maybe, but that's what I'd say. I'd wear it on a date. 

Dog

This is my new dog. His name is Herbert, or Bert for short. So far he's a stellar animal. What a regal little face he has. He looks oddly human in this photo, and it reminds me of some face I can't remember...like a sarcophagus or a face you'd see in ancient Egypt. What a great dog. Beagles rock. His official registered name will be Dr. Octafer's Herbert Sherbet. 

Drumhead of the Day

This drumhead is about 17 years old. There's a farmer's market close by and I used to get produce there three days a week or more. They had a huge watermelon bin made out of corrugated cardboard with this print stamped around it, and every time I'd pull up I'd park in front of it and make a hole with my thumb and finger and look at it and think how cool it would look on the front of a bass drum. Out there maybe, but cool. I finally told the guy one day and he goes "You can have it." We carefully peeled it off (you can see stripes where it was glued to the cardboard) and there was just enough paper to trim and fit inside of a clear drumhead. I'm pretty sure it's unique. I gigged with it for five years probably, and people always got off on it. The drum was old to begin with (probably 80s) and it's semi-officially retired, but that thin paper cuts down on just enough excess ring to make this bass drum sound like a million bucks without any other muffling, and if there were any studio work around here I'd replace the tension claw and get it rockin' again. It still looks cool though. 

Watch out, Neighborhood

After years and years of hard work, dedication, sacrifice and playing, I've become the best drummer on my block. Last time I checked there were no other drummers on my block.