Weather Event

For days we've been hearing about some serious storms that are supposed to hit this afternoon. I think this one's for real. The system is thicker than the state of Mississippi. The thing is I've seen countless storms that are supposed to be severe just fizzle as they approach where I live. I've heard that the terrain west of us helps to break up storms. Not long ago I was talking to someone about it, and he told me that the Interstate system does the same thing, and it actually creates a microclimate. That's pretty wild, but who am I to say it isn't true? The dude seemed pretty smart. I'd like to check into that theory more. But if you asked my mom, she'd probably say it was Jesus. Whenever a big storm is rolling in, she prays it will dissipate. Maybe Jesus puts up a big wedge. Whatever it is, it's been happening for years, and I really want to study on it. I love a good storm and I hate seeing them disappear right before they get here. I think this one will hit big. Maybe it's too big even for Jesus. Batten down the hatches mom. We got a frog strangler comin' in.

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Sally's boss started texting all the employees of her restaurant this morning to try to get a shift covered. It began really early and I'd only been asleep for about four hours. Sally got a new phone yesterday evening and hadn't yet changed any of the notice settings, so it played this odd piano riff whenever she got a text. The way it's set up, whenever someone replies, everyone in the loop gets the text, so I kept hearing this melody. At first it was in my dreams as my mind tried to make sense of it. I was in that state between asleep and awake, and I was thinking stuff like "Is it the popsicle man? Did some kid get a new piano and only knows one lick?" Finally I woke up and realized it was her new phone. Not wishing to wake her up, I listened to it about 25 times. Finally she woke up and I said "Make it stop." She laughed and changed settings. She started imitating all the employees texting in their excuses: "I have a doctor's appointment." "I'm sick." "I have to take my mom to the airport" and on and on. She decided she'd send in a text saying "Sorry, but I have to masturbate and take my cat to the groomer's." That's hilarious and I begged her to do it, but the way her phone is set up at the moment everybody in her contacts, from her doctor to her mom, would get it. I still think it would have been funny regardless. I didn't get enough sleep, but at least I got a good laugh.

Twisted Humor

Back when I worked in the crazy restaurant where I spent a third of my life, one night this thing came on TV about a guy who was busted for having sex with young farm animals. I had a burst of twisted inspiration and I made up a little tune on the spot. I taught it to my buddy ET and from there it quickly spread. We were all cracking up and some of the customers picked up on it. Pretty soon the entire place was humming to the strains of a new song called "Calf Snatch Fever." I think Ted would have been proud.

Stolen from Zappa

I was watching the new episode of Psych, and Main Dude mentioned "Chubby Pumpaloaf" as a porn name. Imagine my surprise hearing "pumpaloaf" on TV. Well guess what? That was stolen directly from one of my favorite songs of all time, "Broken Hearts are for Assholes" by Frank Zappa. It talks about Sir Richard Pumpaloaf, who is a demented bread-boffer. I think that's just wonderful. I wonder who the Zappa fan on the show is. Great to see Frank's influence still going strong. Here's the tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYQs2rRnJYY

Quote of the Day

"Dynamics is what separates the men from the boys." - me

Jukebox in My Head (selection P-93)

"Tank" by Emerson Lake & Palmer. First, what a great song title. Sounds like somebody's dog. Second, considering how popular this song became and what a vehicle it became for Carl Palmer to display his drumming skills (he still uses it at clinics) over the years, it was basically "filler," a last-minute addition to their brilliant first album to give them enough material to fill up the record. Keith Emerson wrote the song but generously gave writing credit to Carl, which certainly didn't hurt the drummer's bottom line. Greg Lake, as usual, plays a beautiful bass part, and his intro is one of my favorite bass melodies of all time. It plays on my imaginary jukebox all the time, as does the drum rhythm. For those keeping score, it's in 4/4, but it breaks down into 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2; 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2. This song features a drum solo, and as per Carl's usual solos it's massive. It's heavy and powerful, but he plays a lot of Jazz figures that would make Buddy Rich proud. In fact he and Buddy were good friends, and Carl was one of the only, if not THE only Rock drummer to sit in with Buddy's band while Buddy was alive. Carl plays beautiful snare drum rolls, superhuman bass drum notes and melodies on cymbal bells among other things. There's only one Carl Palmer. Enjoy. Studio version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueGcV255NfM "Tank" solo from 1077 (check it out): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrfqVAaR2YQ

Still More Idiot Warnings

After the guy burned his balls on a cup of McDonald's coffee (did he think he'd ordered iced latte?) and a couple other things, we're now subject to "idiot warnings" on just about everything. A recent car commercial shows a car hurtling off a cliff, and at the bottom of the screen it says "Do not attempt." Really? Usually idiot warnings crack me up, but one on the Georgia Keno lottery is a bit odd. It says "Gamble responsibly." What the fuck would "responsible gambling" be? Please make sure to save a third of your paycheck for food and stuff? That's like saying "Use heroin responsibly." Give me a break.